In Query 3, you are basically executing a subquery for every row of mybigtable against itself.
To avoid this, you need to make two major changes:
MAJOR CHANGE #1 : Refactor the Query
Here is your original query
Select count(*) as total from mybigtable
where account_id=123 and email IN
(select distinct email from mybigtable where account_id=345)
You could try
select count(*) EmailCount from
(
select tbl123.email from
(select email from mybigtable where account_id=123) tbl123
INNER JOIN
(select distinct email from mybigtable where account_id=345) tbl345
using (email)
) A;
or maybe the count per email
select email,count(*) EmailCount from
(
select tbl123.email from
(select email from mybigtable where account_id=123) tbl123
INNER JOIN
(select distinct email from mybigtable where account_id=345) tbl345
using (email)
) A group by email;
MAJOR CHANGE #2 : Proper Indexing
I think you have this already since Query 1 and Query 2 run fast. Make sure you have a compound index on (account_id,email). Do SHOW CREATE TABLE mybigtable\G
and make sure you have one. If you don't have it or if you are not sure, then create the index anyway:
ALTER TABLE mybigtable ADD INDEX account_id_email_ndx (account_id,email);
UPDATE 2012-03-07 13:26 EST
If you want to do a NOT IN(), change the INNER JOIN
to a LEFT JOIN
and check for the right side being NULL, like this:
select count(*) EmailCount from
(
select tbl123.email from
(select email from mybigtable where account_id=123) tbl123
LEFT JOIN
(select distinct email from mybigtable where account_id=345) tbl345
using (email)
WHERE tbl345.email IS NULL
) A;
UPDATE 2012-03-07 14:13 EST
Please read these two links on doing JOINs
Here is a great YouTube Video where I learned to refactor queries and the book it was based on